well, the last few weeks have left me, and persons extremely near and dear to my heart, utterly drained.
I have Complex PTSD, and let’s just say that my symptoms, which had been not too bad, were brutally reawakened and the result was similar to a massive volcanic explosion. You know, the kind where half the volcano collapses and slides into the ocean and generates an emotional tsunami.
This happened roughly two weeks ago.
It’s not what happened that was the cause of my distress; rather, it was the underlying decades of abuse and the final criminal act (threats of physical violence, not to mention the standard verbal and psychological abuse) that precipitated said event, which was already in the planning stages.
The event itself was good, if incredibly stressful. Freeing yourself from an abusive situation is often agonizingly difficult. Those who think it’s easy can fuck right the fuck off, and then fuck off some more.
I’m not ready to disclose more details yet, but suffice it to say that a certain batshit abuser’s reign of terror has at long last come to an end. The person near and dear to my heart who was still most affected by said batshit abuser (he is the reason I have C-PTSD), is now safe. A lawyer, and other people acting in an official capacity, are involved. Papers are being filed. There has been support from a large number of people.
I can tell you that the batshit abuser will never, ever see my face again. He can fuck off forever. As far as I’m concerned, he has ceased to exist. He is, and has only ever been, an insidious abuser. Read the chapter entitled “Captivity” in Judith Herman’s book Trauma and Recovery, and you’ll have a small idea of the hell we’ve been through.
Unless you’ve endured something like this, you can’t begin to imagine what our existence was like. The mindgames. The surveillance. The cruelty. A psychologist described him as a “very disturbed individual.”
But now, we’re free. We have escaped the prison without bars and the despotic manipulator, who is in fact nothing but an emperor without clothes.
The reality of this is slowly setting in and it is wondrous. It’s been a lifetime in the making.
Things are going to be better than they’ve ever been.
Throughout all of this, Mr P has been a rock by my side.
Because of everything that’s been going on, I haven’t been able to focus on much besides keeping myself together. I will, however, be getting a new computer soon and working on books and zines again, and setting up my Renouveau 70 macramé shop…
Here’s my latest wall-hanging. A couple more, and I’ll start listing them.
I ordered another vintage 70s disco shirt and golden aviator sunglasses.
They arrived today. Here I am, wearing the sublime mirrored sunglasses.
There will be asexy disco shirt photos soon. I must say that the shirts really are magnificent. Dat polyester, baby.
It’s very quiet here today. Mr P and I are resting. I got a bag of bacon chips and Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVDs.
Also, toys make everything better. I got these courtesy of a dear friend who sent me a gift certificate to cheer me.
I’m going to relax now. Me and my loved ones are doing good. We’re taking care.
I’ve learned that in life, you shouldn’t regret something didn’t happen sooner; there’s no point. If it didn’t happen sooner, it’s because it couldn’t. Instead, you should be grateful that it happened at all. When something great happens, when you get to a good place, that’s already a hell of a lot.
Enjoy your great moments.
Okay, the bacon chips really want me. Toodles.
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor