on the desirability of being poisonous

PMBWsigil

I’ve made this monograph public, but it would normally be a Sublimis Serpentibus tier work. I began writing it yesterday afternoon.

For a long time, I thought the very concept of having a tribe wasn’t a good thing. It excluded. It shut out. It created an “inside” and an “outside,” with the latter being evil.

So I’ve been evil for most of my life.

These days, my answer to that is, so what. I’m an evil outsider.

What of it?

When I went to MISTI-Con (a Harry Potter gathering) in 2013, I attended a presentation that involved a guided visualization exercise. It was quite powerful.

I bought a beautiful leather journal in the dealer’s room, and on the first page, I wrote what I’d experienced during the visualization.

In the Room of Requirement,
I saw Master Severus with his midnight black garments,
his face like brilliant moonlight,
so white.
He was holding a bouquet of white lilies.
He spoke to me.

He said: “Trust me.”

I remember how vivid this experience was, and it turned out to have many more layers of meaning than I understood at the time. Friends and I were sharing our respective visualizations, and when I said the words, “Trust me,” my throat tightened with emotion.

I’d just gone through many upheavals, with yet more to come. Incredible upheavals.

And now, here I am: I’ve surmounted them all. I learned to listen to myself, to trust myself. I was guiding my own footsteps at last. Making my own choices.

The lily’s message is, “Take a regal stance and embrace your own power. Remember that renewal is  just around the corner and that the end of one thing heralds the beginning of another.” (https://www.flowermeaning.com/lilly-flower-meaning/).

I’ve done this as well. It’s been an excellent development.

I’m not only an evil outsider these days… I’m an evil insider, too.

I found my tribe. Its power had flowed in my blood since I was a small child. The tribe of the outsiders, of those who don’t require compulsory weekly meetings and aren’t expected to automatically like each other, but who abide by an infernal esprit de corps that mandates, at the very least, respectful decorum.

What I once mistook as a dislike of tribes was, in fact, a dislike of herds.

A number of herds preach “equality” and “universal love,” and embody neither. That’s because both of these are fiction, the latter being particularly harmful.

For years, I longed to care for all of those who’d been branded as sinners, as the children of perdition, as “the lost.” Although they often were, in theory, part of a herd, it actually wanted nothing of them, while proclaiming the exact opposite. Who could make sense of this? How could I resolve this conundrum, how could I appease the hostile institutions that mistreated those it described as goats?

I believed the solution lay in no grouping whatsoever. Everyone belonged to a whole, whatever that meant.

Loving everyone is a terrible idea. Why should the “children of perdition” love the people, the institutions, the deities that despise them, strip them of their dignity, and brand their foreheads with an indelible mark forever setting them apart from “the beloved”?

There’s no individuality in the herd. “He must increase, and I must decrease.”

Any inkling of thought, of questioning, any deviation is a sign that you’re in danger. You must love with all your mind; no room for yourself there. Blessed is the one who believes without having seen.

No matter where you find yourself in this madhouse, whether it’s within its boundaries, on the doorstep, or outside the front gate, regardless of the shape the madhouse takes, love the one who makes you suffer is the message. Don’t trust yourself. Set aside your legitimate questions, desires, needs. Soon your own thoughts confuse you. You no longer know what hate or love is. “I scourge those I love,” you hear over and over. “Take my yoke upon you and you will find rest.”

It takes strength to free yourself from this insidious lie. A yoke isn’t easy or light. A yoke is nothing but a device meant to subdue and control.

Those who won’t submit or fit in, those whose necks won’t bend, who won’t obey, are evil.

In one way or another, I never submitted. I was always on the edge. I was always the edge itself.

“They went out from us because they were not of us.” Yes, and what of it?

Isn’t that, shouldn’t this rather be a source of pride?

“All are welcome” is a web. Eluding it, or freeing yourself from it, makes you alien. If you’re poisonous, the warden will remove you himself.

Herds have this common characteristic: they’re all the one true flock. The Only People. The world, the universe is for them, about them, ruled by them. All else will perish, be cast out or, in rare instances, assimilated somehow.

A tribe is an association of individuals.

Not everyone is welcomed. This is healthy and realistic. While a tribe has a great deal of variation, it also has a certain cohesion. I have no interest in climbing mountains; why would I join a mountaineering association? A herd drags you up the mountain by force, and frequently throws you right off it. Conversely, think of a herd of mountaineers forcing their way into a book club and knocking everything over by scaling the walls and furniture.

Because I’d been treated abominably, I thought true love meant accepting everyone. The institutions, the deities, the controllers said they did this, but they didn’t. I still believed in the hazy “universal love” falsehood, so I thought, either all were welcome, or none, though my mind indicated a third option. It always did, and for a long time I interpreted the third option as a cosmic union, as bringing all things together in a manner that reduced them to none, as a dissolution of distinctions that somehow preserved the uniqueness of different elements.

What I was really doing was eternally giving “another chance.”

In fact, the third option is that it’s sometimes, even often, preferable for me to shut the door. To walk away. To dig a moat. To raise my sword when necessary. And sometimes, I open the door, I lower the drawbridge, I set two glasses on the table and uncork a bottle of wine.

Welcoming all isn’t possible, and it isn’t desirable.

I already knew this when I was a child. Some things couldn’t be fixed, couldn’t be salvaged. Some people weren’t beneficial, despite their claims to the contrary. My childhood situation was so warped, however, that an urge to undo the harm I endured transmuted itself into a symbolic religious quest. Was there love in the pater horribilis?

When I was finally in a position to grasp what I’d been doing, many things became suddenly clear.

It’s not my job to be a miracle worker. It’s not my job to solve every problem.

Some don’t want me, and lo, there are some I don’t want either. The latter is what it took me years to realize. It took me years to understand I had the power to say no. This happened after I had undertaken to heal some of my wounds, and my mind was no longer clouded by pain.

Some people don’t mesh, and they never will, and that’s how it is.

On the other hand, some people naturally blend, as it were. You know this when it happens. There’s a flow, an exchange, you’re happy. There’s mutual joy, a lovely give and take, a rapport, a camaraderie. That’s not to say you absolutely agree about absolutely everything (another herd characteristic, or so they would have it), but you clinch. It’s most pleasurable. There’s respect.

Nothing obligates me to try to clinch with people who irritate me, or who can’t relate to me at all and vice versa. Or worse, with people who treat me like shit, or utter morons (because yes, there are such people), or people who cause me severe pain or displeasure, or the malignant who would impose themselves on me. Why should I give such persons a minute of my precious time? I do not have to do this.

I don’t force them to do anything; I simply go my way.

From my earliest years, I became tremendously skilled at ignoring those whose sole desire was to compel me to be what they wished me to be: a non-entity at their entire disposal.

If you refuse, behold, the heretic. Burn the heretic!

Some look at you and say, “Poisonous toadstools don’t change their spots.”  They say this sagely when in actuality they don’t have the remotest idea of who you are or what you’re doing.

I say, be a poisonous toadstool to such people. What of it? Perhaps they’ll truly grow wise and leave you alone. These great sages might even learn to Apparate more than half an inch across the room.

Poisonous toadstools, infernal angels of light, tend to be solitary types.

O Solitude, my sweetest choice, as the delightful song goes.

There is, however, a difference between solitude and isolation, and the knowledge that others share our mindset can be a wondrous revelation. Simply reading a book and feeling a bond, yes, I’ve known this as well, can make one’s spirit soar and fill one’s heart and mind with resolve, with meaning.

The House of Slytherin was marked from the start as dubious. There were three Houses… and Slytherin. The hero didn’t wish to be in that House; his parents weren’t in that House; the Headmaster wasn’t in that House.

Yet there were some who were drawn to that House, the forbidden House. The Other House. The House of Pride, Cunning, and Ambition. Words that could be “positive,” but ultimately, for the most part, were dangerous.

Doesn’t it take Pride, Cunning, and Ambition to stand up for yourself?

To stand apart?

When I see the Slytherin Common Room, it looks glorious to me.

Severus Snape and Narcissa Malfoy fooled Voldemort, the Deficient Lord, and snatched Harry Potter from him in the most harrowing of circumstances.

You’re painted black; what do you do then? Master the Dark Arts. Give them something to talk about, something from which to step away.

I did, and I triumphed at last over all that would have stamped me out. I’ve learned that it’s wise to exclude the ones who disdain you, who have no depth, who would destroy you if they could.

If I’m poisonous to them, it’s no doubt for the better. Some who partake of the toadstool die; but others have visions.

Trusting yourself is the most potent, fearsome, awesome brew there is. Master it. Master yourself.


Since I stopped using Instascam, my Patreon output has drastically increased. When Masterful is released, I’ll share the news on IG, but not much else will happen there (in the event I don’t delete that account).

As I wrote to my Patreon members earlier,

A shelf peek, because you’re special.

I remember days when I had difficulty saying such words, because I didn’t want to leave anyone out. Everyone had to be special to me… but who can live like this? It’s depleting madness.

Now, I know that I don’t have to belong to everyone. Indeed, I won’t.

So I tell you, you’re special. Because it’s true. I delight you, and you delight me.

Here are words about “on the desirability of being poisonous” from my most recent Patreon member:

As someone who’s always been labeled a loner or outsider, this is a fantastic gut-check affirming that we don’t have to be a part of the herd, that it’s okay to be poisonous to some. You’ve said it so well, thank you.

Next up for my Patreon Society members: a short essay entitled, “detritus alchemy.”

Focusing on Masterful this week.

become_a_patron_button

LOGOS

Advertisements

the fruits of my work

This is a recent Patreon post.


ArcanumMain.jpg

The image above is the essence  of Arcanum.

Once I cross the second goal threshold, I’ll begin work on Sublimis Serpentibus: Severus Snape and the Forbidden Fruit of Personal Power, and start gathering information and figures for Arcanum. Then, once I have the third goal in the bag, preparations for Arcanum will kick into gear. I will, however, see that the third goal results remain stable, or grow, for another six months, because I want people who are earnest in their desire to have Arcanum happen.

What I wrote at the end of the third goal blurb, basically, that’s me saying, “I don’t get out of the house much. This is where I’ll be at my most social, if you’d love to hang out and talk.”

Right now, I’m aiming for the first Arcanum event occurring in 2023, probably some time in October. The venue is quite popular, and one must book events in advance because spots fill up quickly. A lot of wedding receptions take place there. It’s right by the river, surrounded by trees and tall pines.

Arcanum would begin on Friday, late in the afternoon, and would conclude with a lovely mid-day meal on Sunday.

Again, this would be the venue: Radama by Wyndham Ottawa On The Rideau.

I’m very familiar with this hotel, because that’s where I held my small, introvert-friendly event Quietus a few years ago.

As I wrote in a previous post, imagine a gathering of eccentric, creative people, fine dining, all of  us viewing The Witch and other marvelously weird and subversive films,  discussing books and subjects about which Muggles know little or  nothing… How splendid that would be. Again, I’m thinking the Unholy  Masquerade, but with lectures and so on, in an intimate setting. This wouldn’t be a Harry Potter convention, more like a dark revelry for witches and infernal types and writers and artists and occultists and  Medievalists and decadents… I’d give a Snape lecture, obviously.

This event will be for Cunning Society members only. I already have my first event committee member.

Now, the second goal:

Essentially, my Society members who love my work and want more of it will provide me with a writer’s salary. In the olden days, this would have been called patronage.

Writing is very demanding. It wants everything. I’ve done this on my own for years, my partner supplying me with the environment I needed to publish one book after the other. It took me over a decade simply to hone my skills and figure out what I was meant to write, and the latter occurred after many momentous and sometimes shattering personal transitions. It’s frequently been an immense struggle, and I often wondered how long I could keep it up; I often wanted to just quit.

Van Gogh needed his brother’s support to paint, and the day it abruptly stopped, the artist committed suicide. I can understand why. His life, already difficult, was unbearable without his art, and he just couldn’t function in the regular world. Of course he couldn’t.

When J.K. Rowling wrote Philosopher’s Stone, she was a single mother on welfare. While she was writing the book, housework and other tasks were basically ignored. Writing is time consuming. You can work on something for days, only to wad it up and throw it in the waste paper basket.

There seems to be this notion that it’s fine for creative people to produce endlessly, and also drive themselves into the ground trying to make ends meet, and get grinding, mundane tasks done, and so on and so on and so on. A kind of creative martyrdom. Art is better when you suffer. This is false. It’s twisted and grotesque (and not in a good way). The older you get, the worse this all is.

Little wonder creative people relied on patronage for centuries. Mozart couldn’t get it, and he piled on the debts and worked himself to death at the age of thirty five. He enjoyed a great deal of success, but it was always precarious at best, and he had his own issues getting in the way. Inevitably, he found himself up a creek without a paddle, if you’ll pardon the cliché.

I’ve been told countless times, “Keep writing,” “What you write is amazing,” “I love your work,” “Your book helped me so much,” “Your writing inspired me to love myself,” etc etc. I’ve been in a position to do this because I devoted pretty much all of my time to writing. I’ve stretched myself thin over the years, however. I’m now at the point where I won’t stretch myself any thinner.

Of course, I no longer subscribe to the “suffering is good for you” mentality. This is why I’m now writing a book like Masterful; why I wrote a book like Rascal.

PTSD is a condition I’ve lived with since I was very young, though for most of my life, I was unaware of it. I could never last long in stressful environments (this was a depressing mystery to me for years). There was only so much I could juggle. My creativity was severely hampered, barely there, whenever I tried to be in the regular world, which I could never really manage. Once I had a mostly tranquil set of circumstances, that’s when I began to write and publish like never before, especially since new technologies made it possible. And these days, I’m intensely aware that I need to space out things like appointments of any kind, for instance.

This is why I can no longer do the “one major convention a year” thing. When I went to MISTI in 2015, I was in bed half the time.

When I give my lecture at Arcanum, I will absolutely require a microphone, because the past couple of years have been particularly intense, and my voice is damaged as a result. This is directly linked to PTSD. I doubt I’ll ever get my voice back.

There have been times when I thought, I don’t want to publish books anymore. I was exhausted, crushed. I’d think, fuck it, I might as well write piles of journals for myself and at least be happy. Putting books out there, putting yourself out there, is also demanding. It can be depleting, even degrading. You withstand blow after blow. You’ve poured your life into your work.

And then, I started this Patreon. It gave me strength. It convinced me that those who said they wanted my writing weren’t just fucking around with me. It convinced me to keep going. My joy and resolve returned to me, they welled up from me again. I was receiving tangible encouragement. You were telling me, “Your work is a benefit to us, and we want more of your writing.”

It’s no surprise to me at all that I’m about to publish a book like Masterful. With my members in my corner, I felt power coursing through me. Many aspects of my life had also never been better. I’d conquered terrible things.

You stand alone when you write. I’m solitary by nature, but this doesn’t mean I haven’t known isolation, and this can be painful. Those who read and enjoy my work, and thrive because of what they read, are my tribe.

SoCSLPgoal1.jpg

Once I’m past my first goal, it’ll be helpful like you can’t imagine. Past my second goal, the sky’s the limit. I’ll write my best work so far. Past the third goal, I will celebrate life with my members in the most exquisite and joyful way possible.

I just wanted to share these thoughts with you, and to thank you for enjoying my work.

Let’s raise some hell together.

LOGOS

As a fellow artist told me, “Having people willing to pay for talent is inspiring and encouraging. I know we spoke about this before but as creators we have given a lot to people that don’t appreciate what has been offered. If it is free they take it for granted. I’m so thankful you have your merry band of serpents and you’ve inspired me.”

I know, now, what I want to focus on, and this is what will be getting my attention and the fruits of my work, of my personal experience, of my dedication. A book is the outcome of hundreds of hours of work. A book is the outcome of a lifetime of growth. So is all manner of writing.


sillysculptTMdesk

I also recently shared a series of important tweets:

Upcoming topics on my members only platform: why I became a Satanist, and why I love Satanism. I’ll be writing about a variety of subjects, not Satanism per say, but this philosophy will underlie all that I write. For instance, how I live and deal with, and overcome, PTSD.

I write about why I collect toys, why I love the 70s; Total Environment principles are at work here. The temple to the self and its power, an increased power to live deliciously. I write about “practical selfishness” and its numerous benefits, such as health and happiness.

Self-respect is a topic I touch upon over and over. When you spent years exposed to domestic violence, a subconscious, malignant growth can be lodged in you: the “give them one more chance” syndrome. It was sound Satanic philosophy that made me aware of this problem, & its cure.

This brings another principle to the fore: deep personal awareness, which enables an individual to make the best possible choices and bring about whatever changes are required to improve one’s existence.

If what I write adds joy to people’s lives, this gives me pleasure and adds joy to my life. I do, however, write for those who have ears to hear. I know what it’s like to be isolated (which isn’t the same as sweet solitude), and shining a Luciferian light pleases and empowers me.

In the past, I made myself nothing as a survival strategy. Indeed, sometimes this is wise; blend into the background to elude those who would harm you. The time comes when a survival strategy is no longer the adequate response. It has become a reaction to a danger that’s gone.

So now, I write to completely uproot this toxic weed, and to foster the growth of the sturdy and beautiful flowers of self-reverence. I have my own garden, where I am my own god, having listened to the inner voice of true wisdom: “Eat of the fruit, and your eyes shall be opened.”

If others read my words & are encouraged to cultivate their own gardens in my vicinity, there’s more beauty in my world. How could I not derive immense pleasure from this? My joy is doubled. I write about the measures necessary to drive away pests & disease, to protect one’s joy.

I write to celebrate what I’ve accomplished, and to avenge myself on that which conspired to rob me of my self. With the assured, calm, and productive pride of the Infernal One, I say, “Get thee behind me, false god who comes like a miserable thief in the night. I cast thee out.”

Regarding Satanism: I became a member of the Church of Satan almost two years ago. A year ago, I applied for Active Membership, and my application was accepted. I received the official certificate and my first degree membership (not pictured) card last week.

LPAMCoS1.jpg

This represents many excellent and personally gratifying things to me. One of the things you could call it is my official, spectacular, and glorious divorce from Judeo-Christianity.

My Patreon, my business platform, my Society of Cunning Serpents, will now feature “a day in the life” posts, in which I’ll share “daily life” matters, and “The Prince of Serpents and his wisdom” short essays/monographs. The former will often be public, the latter, for the most part, Members Only.

Masterful will be released in October.

More news soon.

LOGOS

Masterful: completion nears

I have begun writing part six of six, which is entitled “he wasn’t yours: sublime serpent, come forth.”

As I get closer to finishing Masterful: Severus Snape, a Jar of Cockroaches, and Me, my most gratifying and important work to date, I am filled with exhilaration and a sense of personal triumph.

Green Crocodile Alien Skin Dinosaur Reptile Leather Texture Pattern Background

This book is the culmination of the past fifteen years of my life. In a broader sense, however, it’s been a lifetime in the making.

This book is a Snape-infused memoir. I write about Severus Snape in a way that has never been done before, in a bold and often shocking manner. As one person who’s read the first draft has said, “It left me speechless.” She also said, “There are so many people I want to recommend your book to” and “Gives me so much to think about. Again, wow.”

In this book, I also write about living with PTSD, about the legacy of domestic violence, which is what I witnessed during my entire childhood and adolescence, about leaving Judeo-Christianity and Orthodoxy in particular, about revering oneself, about emancipation and personal power, about saying “no” to bullshit, about putting one’s existence and what one loves first and foremost. I write about having an infernal worldview, about the symbolic light-bearer and his (our) “live deliciously” stance.

I am no-holds-barred in this book. And I’m just getting started. There will be another Snape-themed book after this one.

MasterfulBC20

My Patreon continues to grow, to my immense joy. I’ve spent the past year refining it, and now it’s precisely what I want it to be. Once Masterful is published, I’ll be spending a great deal of time writing essays for it: infernal thoughts for infernal people. A few of these will be public, but the majority will be Members Only.

One of the excellent people who recently became a member is my longtime friend and extremely talented artist Ben Wu, who just started his own Patreon. I highly recommend you join it, and mine as well.

Ben Wu Loves You: is creating Letters, zines, books, and a little bit of chaos

BWPatreonfp.jpg

 

Logospilgrimis creating infernal books, essays, and art for discerning individualists

LPPatreonfp.jpg

LPpatreonmain.jpg

Ben really gets what Patreon is all about. As he wrote to me, “Having experienced the Patreon venue through your page opened my eyes. It is more intimate and helps me be in the moment. Unlike the endless memes and static of facebook and instagram. Both of which, too, have rules that make it hard to be seen without having to pay them for a sponseres spot.”

I’m still unable to comment and like IG posts from my desktop, and my disgust with that platform is absolute. Unlike what they claim, it isn’t designed to be “social media.” In actuality, it’s an inherently passive exposure to advertisement: if you participate “too much” or “too quickly,” you’re not doing what they want you to, namely, providing the free content that enables them to determine the advertisement you’re supposed to stare at and respond to, you’re troublesome, expendable; content and activity that doesn’t fall within “good consumer” parameters is undesirable.

Furthermore, they have no respect for their users whatsoever. If you “break” one of their so-called rules, if you don’t dance according to their tune (whatever it even is), they don’t contact you, they won’t tell you how you dared to offend them, and contacting a living person at IG is impossible. When I was researching the matter, I saw countless people desperate to get their accounts back, or desperately trying to figure out why they were blocked from commenting. The advice they got was along the lines of, “whatever you do, don’t upset the mighty IG further. Just be good, stop doing anything at all there for a while, cower a bit, and hope you’ll eventually regain their favor.” If you’re not what advertisers prefer, you might as well not exist.

It’s enough to make you want to throw up. As I wrote on Twitter, I don’t like being treated like shit as a rule, so they can suck my balls.

Just when I thought I couldn’t despise FB more, lo, I despise it more.

It’s very likely that I’ll delete my IG account in the not too distant future.

As a result of all this, I’ve been using Twitter more. As nutty as Twitter can be, it’s less restrictive. It’s possible to make lists there, it’s easy to block problematic people instantly, it’s much easier to have exchanges, there’s less censorship. The most eccentric and creative people tend to be on Twitter.

My main focus will increasingly be my Patreon.

As Ben wrote to me, “You’ve given a lot of yourself through your writing and art and I have, too. I think folks would probably appreciate things more if they pay in some way.” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve shared my work, my writing, my life, for over a decade. It was time for a platform like Patreon for me. I am worth what I do and give. In Ben’s words, “I’m glad your Patreon helped give you the encouragement needed. It means a lot to have visible, tangible evidence of people’s faith in you and what you do.”

Masterful wouldn’t have come into being without all the changes I’ve been through, without the evolution that now gives me the ability to say, “My work, my time, my creativity have value, and I won’t settle for anything less than respect and appreciation.”

The more I grasped this and esteemed myself, the more I defined my Patreon, my goals for it, and what I wanted to share there. When I was going through some of the most difficult times of my life these past couple of years, it was Patreon that kept my eyes on the prize of writing and publishing new books, of creating. Of asserting and affirming myself.

I have emerged from my recent trials a fiercer, stronger, more passionate and determined individual, and my work is reflecting this. If those who read what I write are fiercer and have more reverence for themselves because of my words, all the better. Responsibility to the responsible.

Those who contribute to my time, efforts, and endeavors will fully savor the forbidden fruit of my time, efforts, and endeavors. Those who enjoy what I do, who participate and contribute, I treasure. At another time in my life, I would have thought, “How dare I ask for such things?” but now, I dare. Millions of dollars are poured into the coffers of the bland mega corporations of mass entertainment; a dollar per month basic access fee for my original, risqué, innovative content, for my dark magic, is definitely more than fair. It’s a fine privilege.

For a number of years, I let myself be an All You Can Eat Buffet; now, I’m devoting myself to my VIPs. I still give, but I ask as well. Hail Satan!

Severusfigurineadorbs.jpg

There’s no place online like Patreon now, and that’s where the bulk of my online activity is.

As Ben puts it, “When IG cut its shine and I checked out your Patreon… as I said above, it changed me and I felt like I’d found a pleasantly wicked corner of the internet, a place to hang my horns, and I haven’t felt that way in years.” This mirrors my feelings about Patreon exactly.

LPgrimoire.jpg

Do you know what feels good? Not taking shit. Knowing your worth. Knowing who’s good for you. Being your best self and living your best life.

LOGOS

step forth, Cunning Serpents

Masterful will soon be completed. I’m at work on part five of six. I’ll be in the editing process in September.

September… Am I the only one who’s excited about autumn? Definitely not.

In other news, my activity on Instagram will now be minimal.

I’ve felt ambivalent about that platform for some time (especially since it’s been owned by Faceborg). Generally, I prefer using my desktop, and Instagram makes this barely possible. A few days ago, I was suddenly blocked from liking posts and commenting on them while using my desktop. No reason given. I could “report” the message if I thought it was unwarranted, not that a single thing resulted from these so-called reports. I could, however, continue liking posts and commenting on them if I was using my dumbphone.

I did some research and read that Instagram was blocking me because I had liked too many posts in too short a time (right), and it suspected me of being a “bot.” This block “punishment” typically lasted between 24 to 48 hours. Well, if I wished to use my desktop, that is.

I call bullshit. Guess what I can’t see at all when I’m using my desktop to look at my Instagram feed? Advertisement. Am I not really being “punished” for failing to do what I’m supposed to be doing on Instagram, being fodder for advertisers? No wonder the platform won’t allow you to post photographs from your desktop.

Instagram cares about your content insofar as it’s useful to advertisers (most of whom live in the 1950s and are terrified of female nipples). Otherwise, they don’t give a fuck about you. They couldn’t care less about creativity. Case in point: it’s impossible to contact Instagram to find out what their sudden, cryptic “blocked” message is all about, and their “help” pages are absolutely useless.

And let’s not even bring up the algorithm factor.

So, fuck it. I don’t need this garbage.

When I publish a new book, I’ll post a photo of it on Instagram, and that will be the extent of my activity on that platform.

I continue sharing links to my work, and retweeting the occasional, interesting 70s-oriented image, and keeping in touch with a few people on Twitter (a platform where there is more freedom), but my activity there is greatly reduced compared with my earlier Twitter days.

This is better. It’s increased my well-being.

Since I stopped using Instagram, I feel less tense. And I didn’t even use it that much.

As I’ve mentioned before, those platform are designed to keep you on them for as long as possible, as often as possible. To accomplish this, they instill a kind of anxiousness when you’re not using them, when you’re not keeping up with them and “neglecting” people you hold dear. It’s quite insidious. What if someone close to you posts something important, and you miss it? Get back on the platform, quick!

Instagram is a “free” platform, except it isn’t. It feeds on you, and exploits your friendships. It siphons your time and energy.

I’m done with this noxious, corporate social media culture.

From now on, my online focus will be my Patreon, and this website. I’ve recently revamped my Patreon, which is where I’ll be sharing photos, news, essays, and more, on a regular basis.

Here are my Patreon tiers:

tier1ptLP.jpg

tier2ptLP.jpg

tier3ptLP.jpg

Some posts will be public, but most won’t.

I’ve had this Patreon creator account for over a year, and it took me a while to figure out how to use it (not to mention that I was dealing with a number of crises and exhausting situations), but now… Now I’m truly up and running, and feeling excellent about it.

One of the things I recently shared on Patreon was exclusive news about an upcoming book. The cover of said book will be funded in part by my patrons, who are members of my Society of Cunning Serpents. The essays I write all deal with living like the god you are, which takes self-knowledge, productive pride, and a powerful inner core. I write about living deliciously, living boldly, living in accordance with what is most important to you. There is a price to pay for this, without a doubt. But I for one wouldn’t have it any other way.

If you’re a member of the Left Hand Path, you can also find me on Undercroft.

And now, back to Masterful.

LOGOS

Masterful: halfway mark achieved

Things are pretty damn good.

First, my 50th birthday was splendid. Presents, buttercream laden cake, quiet activities that gave my introvert self the greatest pleasure.

I took many portraits to commemorate this event. I had fun with wigs, undergarments, Mozartian and Snapian themes.

And now I’m going to share a bunch of them.

I am 50, hear me roar. Wearing a gorgeous polished silver Baphomet sigil by iSatanist.

LP50bd1md.jpg

I do the boy thing, I do the girl thing. I do my thing.

LP50glam4.jpg

LP50glam1.jpg

I do the Snape thing. Here wearing my robes, as well as a fine Bone White Baphomet sigil by Satanme.

PMBWsigil.jpg

I do the Mozart thing. Betsey Johnson undergarments.

LPAmadeusblond1.jpg

LPMozart50sd1bmd.jpg

LPMozart50rc2.jpg

LPblondWAM3md.jpg

Here with a fabulous inverted pentagram, also available from Satanme (one side red, the other black, perfect for my disco lifestyle).

LPSVinvertedpg.jpg

I have fun these days. More fun than I’ve ever had. I do what I want, how I want.

I’m fairly recovered from the flooding mayhem of last spring. Today, the river levels are at 57.98. We’re approaching August, one of my favorite months of the year because everything is so slow and quiet; that’s also when one can sense autumn around the corner… This month, we endured several intense heat waves (yesterday, with the humidex factor, we hit close to 115º Fahrenheit—madness. Thank fuck we have central air conditioning in this house).

Still, I feel really, really good.

Yesterday, I hit the halfway mark re: Masterful. Working on this book is so phenomenally satisfying… My most personally gratifying work to date. As I wrote on Twitter, “I write because it gives me pleasure, because it’s in my blood. If my work also helps like-minded individuals live deliciously, all the better.”

I’m not fucking around in this book, let me tell you.

LPindomitable.jpg

Green Crocodile Alien Skin Dinosaur Reptile Leather Texture Pattern Background

MasterfulBC20md

After I publish Masterful in September, I’m getting back to work on Wolfgang, A Fantasy, and I can’t wait. Apart from Wolfgang and Antonio Salieri (among others), this novel will feature the Gentleman Downstairs who will do wondrous things, and a grim Archbishop (guess which one) who will try to do terrible things.

Favorite drinking vessel, by Satanme, here featured with an exquisite statue of Lucifer the Light-Bearer.

Satanmemug.jpg

Stay tuned for more deliciousness.

LOGOS

Masterful: September

I will soon be halfway through the first draft of Masterful.

Green Crocodile Alien Skin Dinosaur Reptile Leather Texture Pattern Background

The book is flowing. This is one of my most satisfying writing projects up to now.

The other day, I took test photos of my new Snape wig. I hacked away at it with scissors for a while before I began snapping pictures to see how the wig would look on camera, and I experimented with light.

LPNSWtest4.jpg

LPNSWtest2.jpg

LPNSWtest1.jpg

LPNSWtest6.jpg

Mystery is the quintessence of Severus Snape, the Prince of Snakes.

A real photo session will take place soon. It’s been years since my friend Diane and I did a shoot featuring the robes.

I haven’t been crafting much; it’s time consuming, and my time is currently devoted to the book, recuperation, relaxing on the front porch with a journal, doing a few select things with a few select people every now and then, a small circle of friends, because I honor my need for introversion and tranquility more than I ever have. I enjoy the times I spend with those close to me, but I need long periods of solitary home quietude between those times, and that’s perfectly fine.

I said in a previous post, “it’s not all about writing for me now,” though it is—and not. Because I also take care of myself now, I take care to relax, to have my life, as it were. I write, I savor the process, then I stop, I sink into the couch, watch movies, enjoy my pleasant surroundings. I have excellent, wonderful meals and riveting discussions with my beloved spouse who’s as introverted as I am. I add more toys to my collection and delight in them.

Be important to yourself, treat yourself well, with respect, honor yourself, and you will live a good life.

These days, I’m living my best life.

LOGOS

a treat, and some thoughts

Here’s a chapter of Rascal that I shared on Patreon yesterday (a public post, for members and non-members).

rascalfullcvrmd

AVARITIA

(greed)

You desire, you indulge yourself, you relish good things, tasty things, rich things, colors and textures and scents—in this world.

Of course, it happens in this world.

This “fallen” world, according to some.

It’s not fallen. It’s the world, the real world, our only world.

A world of fire and water, of terrible storms and soft mornings, of loss and grief and joy and pleasure. A world of horrors and wonders.

What hurts us is terrible; what feels good is wonderful. This is natural.

It’s up to us to make this natural world as wonderful as it can be.

This won’t happen as long as we believe in the existence of an intangible, supernatural, otherworldly afterlife where nothing will ever harm us. An inhuman, unnatural world.

If you want to sell the story of invisible realms where everything is “perfect,” you need unhappy people. In this scenario, nothing is more problematic than a person who enjoys life and its pleasures. Even simple pleasures are troublesome.

Being happy and grateful in this world is to disdain the worthier, imaginary, divine panaceas.

Some people believe pleasure in this life is a sign of divine favor and a preview of the truly mind-boggling splendors awaiting humanity in the other world, the phantom dimension. Peddlers of cosmic mansions piously take the money supplied by countless people who hope they’ll start off with an opulent earthly mansion of their own as well.

The majority of religious systems don’t operate like this, though. They say, “Don’t worry too much if your life sucks. The next one will be better… as long as you do and believe what we tell you, that is.” They don’t want people to be utterly miserable, but they don’t want them too at home and content here on earth either.

Pick up your cross. Your begging bowl. Your mental hair shirt.

If you’re oppressed or abused, if you’re being treated abominably, rejoice. It’s a privilege, really, an opportunity, a blessing. Blood and suffering pleases the almighty; it’s his idea of a pleasant aroma. Tortured, stir-fried saints are held up as the most admirable of people, the most worthy of imitation.

If you’ve been abused, if you just barely manage to hold your traumatized mind together, if you’ve been told a million times that you’re worthless, a lot of crazy shit can make sense. A pie in the sky helps you survive and hang on a little longer.

Just remember: don’t be greedy. All the fat is the lord’s. Set your mind on the things above, not on earthly things.

Oh yeah?

Fuck the things that are above.

There are no such things.

Flush that mystical crap down the toilet.

Emancipate yourself. Believe in yourself. Avenge yourself.

Happiness in this world is a combination of luck and doing what you can so you and at least some of your fellow humans live as happy a life as possible. Happiness often requires a great deal of effrontery. You’re in pain, you’re going to die, things don’t go the way you want them to, but you dance all night anyway.

It’s tough. By fuck, life, being alive can be tough. Sometimes it seems like we’re always teetering on the edge of disaster, and we know the end is a breath away.

My philosophy is, have a glass of whiskey, smirk at the camera like a badass smart mouth decked out devil, and when the time comes to go over the edge, to take that final breath, think, well, it wasn’t all bad, was it? This ain’t so bad.

At least I lived. I had a moment.

I’m greedy for that moment. I want what the moment has to offer, all that my moment’s got.

This crucial greed means I figured out what I want, what I want my moment to be all about.

I want all that I’ve got, to be the star I am.

The greed I speak of involves risk. It involves the unknown. No one can decide what your life means for you. You have to decide. You have to choose.

You’re not being swept by a common wave. You’re not afraid of being alone. There’s no universal, one-size-fits-all solution. If you go where everyone else is going, you won’t experience your moment.

You’re drafting your map. Use what you have, change what you can, and create your best life.

Do whatever you can to enrich your life, to exult in yourself.

Each of us is our own ultimate earthly thing.

For too long, it was difficult for me to think this, let alone celebrate it. My mind was in a cage; my heart was bleeding from too many cuts.

It’s never too late to dare to turn your back on all the shit that brought you down.

To reclaim yourself: this is excellent greed.

Regardless of what any abuser tried to drum into you, you belong to yourself.

You’re not anyone’s possession.

You’re the captain of your existence.

Whatever you’ve been through, however much psychological conditioning you’ve endured, if you reach this liberating threshold, you can be sure self-ownership has always been there inside of you. You’ve always been a rascal.

They couldn’t quench your flame entirely. They couldn’t starve it forever.

The day I bust out of the mental jail of self-forgetfulness—of self-neglect and self-hate—the person I am began to shine forth into the world.

An outrageous, confident, inquisitive, playful, genderfluid, flamboyant, girl/boy tomboy.

A person who slowly but surely began to say “no” whenever it was needed. A person who said “yes” when she wanted to say it. My decisions were now in line with self-respect and true wisdom: human wisdom.

I stopped treating myself like a second thought.

No more torture, no more tears. No more damaging attempts to love everyone except myself. I stopped wondering if I was pleasing to a twisted, silent invisible it that required proof of my love by means of cruel, nebulous, and absurd tests. I loved those who deserved my love.

I adorned myself with gold necklaces and was a human being, flesh and bones, blood and water, at home on earth, my real home.

I am of the earth, and I love earthly things. I love myself.

The next few days are going to be impossibly frigid here, ugh. Mr P and I will be comfortably hidden from the elements tomorrow and Monday however, so there’s that.

I enjoy sharing photos on Instagram and I’d say it’s a new form of Livejournal (sort of) for me because a number of the people I knew on Livejournal are on Instagram, but the latter throttles its feed with algorithms or whatever, and of course the textual aspect of Instagram is minute, so… And it’s highly smart phone oriented. I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want to be glued to those things all the time.

In related news, I’ll definitely be renewing my subscription to The Idler this year.

I started sharing things on Ello again, because it’s one of the few remaining platforms that celebrates the arts, unique, original thinking and creative freedom, and isn’t terrified of flesh.

But, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly, Patreon is my online focus these days. I greatly enjoy using that platform, and I enjoy the exchanges I have with fabulous members there. The enthusiasm and support of members invigorates me, it feels wonderful, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Masterful will be my best book yet. I am discussing Professor Snape in that book, but it’s not exhaustive character analysis by any means; it’s more of a personal memoir.

LOGOS

technology, its woes, and lovelier things

Warning: rant below.

After having my head on my desk and taking deep breaths for a while, I thought I’d do what I always do when I’m upset: write.

Yesterday, I suddenly got an alert message from my Mac, warning me that in the not too distant future, I wouldn’t be able to use Mariner Write or open my Mariner Write files anymore.

I’ve had Mariner Write for over a decade. It’s the word processing software I’ve been using to write my books since I first began independently publishing my work.

Today, I do a few Google searches and learn more about this 32 bit vs 64 bit thing. Apparently, software is evolving into a 64 bit phase (“it’s better” or whatever), and this has been in the works for a while. News to me, but anyway. What the hell is 64 bit software, bla bla. Or 32 bit software. Or a bit.

I was just reading about this development some more, and while Microsoft hasn’t set a deadline for compatibility issues yet, Apple has: the fall of 2019 or so. So the push has been on for software developers to get with the program, ha.

I’m so grateful for my goddamn turntable right now. At least I know it won’t suddenly tell me, “Upgrade or you won’t be able to play your vinyl records anymore.”

So yesterday, I sent a panicked message to Mariner Write. At that point, I didn’t even know as much as I do now about this 32 bit and 64 bit situation. Apparently, this change is going across the board.

“I just got a message from my computer saying that the latest version of Mariner Write soon won’t be compatible with Mojave (10.14.4 or whatever, the very next update)—I’ve been using Mariner Write for YEARS and can’t do without it! Are you planning an update soon??”

I get the following response from Mariner:

Hi- We are still debating on whether we will be rewriting Write to 64 bit. We hope to have a decision in the next few months.

WFT? I’m supposed to keep using the software and simply hope I won’t end up having to reformat the files for my latest books while I’m still able to open said files?

“Hey there, we’re kind of thinking about maybe making our software compatible with your most recent OS, but who knows, cross your fingers! If not, oh well, have fun doubling your workload!”

Their website, incidentally, states that Mariner Write is compatible with Mojave. Which isn’t, however, going to be the case for much longer.

The more I think about the reply, the angrier and more anxious I get. I ruminate, worry about what other software I’ll now have to get used to, hopefully without problems when it comes to publishing upcoming works and so on.

If there’s one thing I love, it’s shit that’s up in the air indefinitely.

I send the following response:

I’m not exactly sure what there is to debate. You make software specifically for Mac users… And your software is about to become unusable and obsolete.

I won’t be waiting around until Mariner makes up its mind. I’ll be learning to use other software. Thanks for the memories.

I start tinkering with Pages… Pretty good. I’m adjusting to it fairly well. One of the reasons I began using Mariner Write in the first place was that Lulu said it had trouble with PDF files generated by straight up Mac software, but that was a long time ago, and I’m fervently hoping this is no longer the case…

I’m unhappy, but think, I’ll see this through. I’ll be fine.

I eat a nice meal with Mr P, have some wine. I’m feeling a touch better.

Until, that is, I see this reply from Mariner:

Actually there’s a ton to debate but that’s our issue, not yours.

Best of luck.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I just replied as follows:

Not mine? As I said, I’ve been using Mariner Write for over a decade. When I got that alert from my Mac, it was very upsetting. If Mariner Write isn’t rewritten to 64 bit (a change that’s been in the works for some time, as I gathered from Apple), I won’t be able to use Mariner Write anymore, and I won’t be able to open all the files I’ve created with Mariner Write up to now; I wouldn’t say this isn’t my issue as a user. I found Mariner Write wonderful to use, which is why it’s been my word processing software of choice all these years. I don’t change software on a whim. But what’s the point of trying to stick with it if its obsolescence is only a question of time, and not much time at that?

So anyway, good luck to you as well.

I purchased a lot of software from this company. But those days are over, I can tell you that.

Anyway, I’m going to relax now, think about happy things.

Apart from my delicious meal with Mr P, something else gave me profound joy today.

It was a message I got from one of my Patreon members.

thankyouCS.jpg

Here are a few more beautiful things before I sink into the couch:

SpeakoftheDevilpinRC.jpg

A gorgeous lapel pin (a gift for his Patreon members) and lovely note from the wonderful Reverend Campbell (Speak of the Devil Podcast).

ShadyVenerationpinQE.jpg

Another stunning lapel pin, courtesy of Shady Veneration. Some of the proceeds support (The Quintessentials) Reverend Hernandez’s medical funds.

QuintessentialsSRvinyl.jpg

And speaking of The Quintessentials, their latest album is absolutely fantastic. First rate.

All right. Time for some much needed me time.

LOGOS