equilibrium

Apostate Island

What’s shakin’, bongo players.

Well here we are in 2017, and I’m hoping it can’t be worse than 2016. In any event, every time I write “2017” on anything, it feels like relief, so there’s that.

I do feel more exhausted than I’ve ever felt, however. Peri-menopause is in high gear these days, and it’s basically wiping the floor with me. On a more positive note, I’ll finally be done with fertility and all the shit it involved at some point this year… It can’t happen soon enough for me. It’s been (useless) misery since day one, lo these many years ago.

Apart from that, there’s a stressful situation, nothing I want to get into, though I’ll say that Mr P and I are fine and everything is well where I am. But the stressful crap in question has been the cause of PTSD episodes, and I’m coping by withdrawing…

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acknowledging my crank

Kind readers,

it felt really good to put up my 2017 calendars a few days ago. Even if it’s only a psychological boost, I don’t care. The new number simply feels good.

2017 is already off to an excellent start. This week, I got a new bag, a Europa Kipling bag, and it’s perfect. This bag is the best damn bag I’ve ever had.

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Bags have always been very important to me, a life essential. And this bag has everything I want and need in a bag. I’ve been singing odes to it.

Also, that little monkey keychain is LOVE. I had a toy similar to it when I was a kid, and I adored it. I plan to get this bag in several colors (such as sandcastle, gorgeous shade), and do seasonal rotations. The bag above is a nice slate grey, almost looks like silver.

In other news, the way my room now looks has been giving me such intense joy, satisfaction, and serenity, I can’t begin to tell you. I posted recent photos in My Hideaway.

When 2017 kicked off, I found out about the latest Livejournal kerfuffle, and that was pretty much it for me. That place has been on life-support for the past few years, and I doubt the Russians have much interest left in it. The Russian users had been keeping it afloat, and LJ isn’t as popular in that country as it once was, so how much time the platform has left is anyone’s guess, especially since the “authorities” there will be cracking down on it now. They don’t have to give a single shit about users in other countries or what these users want or have to say.

I deleted my Livejournal yesterday, and doing this was a relief more than anything. It was like, “finally.” I’d been needing to move on from it for a while. I’ll remember the good times; still, for me, it was time to put the “closed” sign up and

Cafe Sign and Old Car on Route 66

For the past two years or so, every time I went there, it was like I was singing “Lonesome Town” and I felt blue as fuck. I slowly detached myself from it to preserve my joy and well-being. I’m no longer the person I was when I joined Livejournal, either. That whole period of my life is over, and it feels good to be on Imzy now. Imzy’s got a great vibe. It’s different.

I’ll probably delete my Dreamwidth account as well. As far as I can tell, platforms like Dreamwidth and Livejournal revolve around fandom and fandom activities, for the most part, and I’ve moved on from this as well. All the stuff that the HP fandom is into these days, I’ve zero interest in; I don’t relate to any of it. I don’t care about theorizing, or the suspense, or fics, or any of those things. I don’t care about new fandoms.

Whatever turns people’s cranks, sure. But my crank is fine too, and I’m acknowledging my crank these days. It’s felt quite refreshing.

This period of my life feels fabulous. I’ve never been happier than I am now.

I got my 70s Nouveau proclivities, my Wimpy Kid diaries, my toys, my record player, my pens and journals, my Tiki drinks, my macramé, my ukulele, my favorite movies, my tranquil environment, I write and I’ll make zines, and that’s what gives me happiness. I do my own little thing.

I go to the corner store and get my trash can candies and monster stickers, you know what I’m saying?

One of the things I’ve been honoring the most is the fact that I have a pronounced introverted nature. And now that I’m no longer enslaved by abusive superstitions, by rapacious ideologies that took advantage of my wounds, history, and temperament, I don’t flagellate myself for supposedly being “selfish” or “unavailable,” for not chipping away at myself til there’s almost nothing left, for making the choices I make. I don’t condemn myself for having the needs and preferences I have. There’s nothing wrong with my needs and preferences. With me being who and what I am.

So anyway, these days you can find me here on my main website, on my other personal WordPress blog Apostate Island, on Twitter, Instagram, and on Imzy as I’ve already mentioned. That’s enough. I’m glad that I’ve crossed paths with some old friends on a number of these networks, and I’ve made many new friends, too.

I don’t spend nearly as much time online as I once did. That’s not a bad thing at all, either. It’s a very positive development.

It took years for me to feel okay about moving on from an old life and embracing a new life, a life that was in tune with where I was, with who I’d become.

I know this is okay, now.

Doing what’s right for me is okay.

This month, I’ll resume my work on Hit the Road and Be Who You Are.

I’m looking forward to a tranquil winter and kitschy macramé wall-hangings.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

I love mayonnaise

Kind readers,

this photo captures how beautifully tranquil things are over here these days:

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I am so damn happy with my new décor in here, you have no idea. It’s a perfect expression of where I am now in life.

I’ve also been listening to vinyl records every day—particularly in the morning—since I got my record player. Analog rules.

Digital technology has its uses, it can indeed be very useful, but especially as something that facilitates the experience of analog, paper, life. Digital is good in conjunction with real shit.

I’ve had it with invisible garbage, I can tell you. Virtual, spiritual… I want things and places that involve my senses.

You know, like when you put a needle on that 33 record. How blissful that is. How I missed this, things like this.

Vinyl is even more enjoyable if you don’t take the whole thing too seriously (this is true of most things). I love my cheap little record player. Embrace crap, I always say. Kind of like this exquisite item I saw on Twitter recently… This is the 70s state of mind that’s given me such joy. The magnificent celebration of refined crap, such as this aspic aquarium with mayonnaise entrée:

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This is what you did before the days of President’s Choice. This is my kind of classy right there. That’s what I call inspired.

I’m extremely happy with the enthusiastic response my zine project has been getting.

I remember getting a zine a couple of months ago or whatever, and I almost felt like crying when it got here. A simple thing, folded pieces of paper, a glued on cover image. I felt pleasure in my bones just looking at it, holding it.

I’ll be photocopying handwritten musings of the journal/personal essays variety, adding a color photograph on the cover (the title will be made with an embossing label maker), also photocopied, and stapling the whole thing together. Short zines, which I’ll put in my newly reopened Etsy store. I’m thinking this may well be a monthly thing. It’s very likely that this is how I’ll proceed.

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My handwriting, which many people like for some reason, will be the zines’ art, you could say.

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At first, I thought I’d write on single sheets of paper, but that felt too “official” and I’d freeze. I don’t want this to be stiff; I want it to be free-flowing and meandering, like my blogging and writing in general. I’ll be writing in Moleskines and photocopying the pages for my zines. So obviously, there will be no editing.

I may also doodle in the zines every now and then. We’ll see.

I’m going to write about life, about my days, about what delights me. Fun, odd stuff; serene stuff; quirky stuff.

So, in 2017 I’ll continue adding books to my repertoire, and I’ll write these zines as well. I’m going to be home, fuck yes—the intense peace and happiness this gives me.

Having an early dinner with a friend later. It’ll be peaceful because this person is also an introvert, and early dinner means quiet restaurant. I do this every few months, hang out with a like-minded person, and it’s enough. The rest of the time, I’m solitary.

I’ll be writing those zines of mine at the local café a lot, no doubt.

Everything is good.

I’ll be letting you all know when the first zine is available, which will be soon.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor

living space

Apostate Island

What’s shakin’, bongo players.

I’m not done with Secular Holiday yet, though I will be working on it this week.

I got a bit distracted last week.

I wanted to add some 70s inspired shagadelicness to my living space. So that’s what I did, and I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am about it.

For the past three years now, I’ve been making some major changes to my personal refuge. When I moved into this house with Mr P lo these many years ago—twelve years ago, to be exact—my office was entirely dedicated to Professor Snape. I more or less recreated his office. It was fun. Bugs and jars and books everywhere.

There was also a big part of the room that was my “Orthodox church at home”—a wall of icons, with areas for incense and everything else. Prostration center.

Them Orthodox days are over and long…

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the state of me

Kind readers,

what a world, eh? Apparently, many are embracing a feverish “let’s give fascism a chance” mindset; good luck with that.

I’d like to hope that we’re witnessing the rancid and apoplectic death throes of conservatism everywhere. They’re displaying the nastiest they have to offer for all the world to see, without a doubt. And I’ve certainly never abhorred evangelical christianity (and religion in general) more than I do now, which is saying something.

Fuck, this shit is exhausting, though. I doubt I’ll be watching the news much over the next four years, because on the rare occasions I’ve done so this past week, I felt ill and wound up thinking things like “If all else fails, there’s always a bottle of pills.” So yeah. PTSD hell for sure. It’s been a while since I had thoughts like that. I’ll be taking care of myself (I’m through treating myself like a damn second thought), and doing the one thing I CAN do, which is writing. This is how I fight. And stay alive.

If anyone has a problem with this, my response is, tell me again how I should live my life.

A lot of books ahead.

Also, the pile of Festivus toys and gifts I’m currently amassing will make last year’s pile look like a little bump.

If you’d like to know how Quietus went, take a look here. In a nutshell: it was magical.

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I’m really not sure I’ll be doing this again. It was wonderful, but it took a whole lot out of me. Maybe in a couple of years, I’ll change my mind, but… I don’t know that I will. As it is, I’m definitely not going to MISTI. Not only am I tired, but I have no intention of visiting a country run by a sociopathic demagogue. Also, the big fandom conventions and all that… I’m at a point in my life where I’m moving on from this. I’ve been to Convention Alley twice, to Witching Hour, to Lumos, Prophecy, Infinitus, Aeternitas, Ascendio, to MISTI twice… Only three times did I not go to an event I’d planned to attend: Phoenix Rising, Leviosa (I was supposed to speak, and let them know six months in advance I wouldn’t be going), and now MISTI 2017.

I’m done. It’s enough. I was so drained during MISTI 2015, I think I was coming to the realization that a chapter of my life was ending.

My final HP fandom contribution, if I may call it that way, will be my book Severus Snape and the Art of Being Human. It won’t be so much a fandom thing, or an analysis of Professor Snape, but more like the story of how he helped me get through many changes and upheavals, right up to my secular present. It’s going to be a celebration of being human.

My enjoyment of Harry Potter is more a personal thing than a fandom thing these days. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, the “Fantastic Beasts” trailers fail to rouse my interest; if anything, I find them tedious and boring. “How many more billions can we squeeze out of this thing?”

I’d much rather add to my toy collection, read about Tiki culture and 70s kitsch, and write more books.

I’ve also moved on from Livejournal.

You can find me here, on Twitter, Instagram, and Imzy. I’ll be writing personal posts on Apostate Island.

Here’s a Twitter friend, Kaxas11, with her copies of my latest books:

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Supportive photos like these are always phenomenally appreciated.

Right now, I’ll be focusing on Hit the Road and Be Who You Are and My Merry Secular Holiday.

Another thing: is peri-menopause a bucket of fun, or what. I was a month late this month; so, skipped a month for the first time ever, and it’s hit me like a fucking sledgehammer, let me tell you. I need more pain medication even as I write this. And a nap. Lately, when I have to do an errand or whatever, I’ll just pull on a fresh pair of trunks, throw on some jeans, get my grubby hoodied self over to the store, grab what I need, and rush back home. I just don’ts care. Ya knows?

So anyway, thank you for playing! And remember, Elvis loves you.

Your devoted
Logospilgrim, the quiet professor